Love or Hate? How Are We Going to Treat Each Other When We Disagree About Fundamental Things?
When the discussion ends, when we cannot persuade someone else, and they decide on something fundamentally different from us, particularly when it seems to be an existential threat to our core beliefs and way of life, how are we going to respond?
This is the dynamic Christians in America now face with rising tension in a presidential election season.
"In many ways I am less concerned with how Christians vote, than I am the kind of people they become, the relationships they’ve broken, & the evangelistic witness they’ve squandered after the election is over." - Sharon Miller
I'm primarily motivated by the love and life of Jesus and the hope of redemption for the people in my life, community, and country.
Jesus commands us to love those we disagree with, even to love our enemies.
This is in stark contrast to the opposite alternative.
We could go to war.
Domination: Responding to Non-Conformity (Disagreement) With Threats, Intimidation, Violence and Destruction
"Fascists believe violence is the way you solve differences. Violence is the way you push history forward." - Ruth Ben-Ghait
Russia has been waging a war against Ukraine since 2014 when they took Crimea. This coincided with their invasion of the Donbas and in 2022, the full invasion of the country with their march on Kyiv.
Russia's relationship with Ukraine has a lot to teach us about ourselves and how we treat those who will not conform.
Kamil Galeev, an expert on Russian culture said the following about the invasion of Ukraine and this dynamic of forced conformity.
"Some Western analysts unfamiliar with Eastern European cultural context perceive Z-war as an accident. They presume that Russian invasion results from some sort of "misunderstanding" or mistake which can be resolved via negotiations.
That's a textbook example of wishful thinking.
...
The motivation behind Z-war is not "security", "alliances" or even political affiliation. It's the need to extinguish wrong cultural memes and impose correct ones...
Z-war happened because Russia never accepted existence of Ukraine in the first place...
They argued or implied that Ukraine is a fake nation with fake and inferior culture and history. In other words, the real problem is that Ukrainians stick to inferior memes. Worst of all, they could have upgraded and accepted superior, Russian memes, but they refuse to...
To understand the logic behind Z-invasion you have to keep in mind that Russianness = normality. When you are Russified you just become normal. Z-invasion was planned as a gift or humanitarian operation. That's why Ukrainian resistance is so shocking. They don't want to be normal...
Cultural uniformity - that's the real goal of Z-war. It is all about directing vernacular bifurcation of the ancient sacred community towards everyone becoming Russian. The problem with Ukraine is that it exists. That's a view deeply embedded in the Russian culture." - Kamil Galeev, War of memes: why Z-war won't end with peace
This insight into the Russian culture and its motivation for invasion is an insightful example of where the refusal not to conform and the requirement to do so, results in war for domination-based groups.
Simply put, Ukrainians wouldn't conform to the Russian way, therefore their way of life must be destroyed until they submit; to domination.
Coerced Conformity In Our Day-To-Day Lives
When I reflected on this idea while writing this post, a political interaction I had with someone on Facebook came to mind.
I've been a Republican my whole life and voted that way. When Trump came on the scene, I never got on his train and have now become a vocal Republican for Harris. In reaction to my post about this, here is part of what a Trump loyalist told me.
"What I want is intellectual honesty. You're not a Republican. You shouldn't call yourself one. It's a lie. Promoting the idea of Republicans for Harris is a gigantic lie. She doesn't stand for Republican/conservative values...
R. It's completely misleading. You know full well the majority of politicians count on the masses listening to their bullet points and not doing research. So positioning yourself as Rs for Harris is manipulative and deceiving."
I am not the type of Republican he is, therefore I am not one. Because I don't conform to Trump, I cannot be a Republican. I shared with him my Republican history.
This person is only one of many who have said very similar things to me because I'm not utterly loyal to Trump. They also say these things about the most Republican people in the world including Liz and Dick Cheney.
Values that used to be Republican, like embracing responsibility and fidelity to the Constitution are values that inform my perspective and choices here. Trump has inverted these values so they no longer have a place in the party. This idea that my lack of loyalty means I'm not a Republican has been propagated from the top. Trump says that if you don't support him, go away because those who don't provide unwavering loyalty to him are unwanted. For people he's vetting for his second term as president, he's asking them if they believe the 2020 election was stolen.
This alienation is a stark contrast to Harris' campaign which has reached out to Republicans as part of her campaign, including co-campaigning with Republican Liz Cheney.
Contempt, war, and forced conformity is one option. It's a bad option. The following quote encapsulates the problem of "conform or you're dead to me", from a Christian perspective.
"It will forever baffle me at how someone could see how Jesus laid down his life out of love for the world rather than forcing it to conform to his will, then somehow conclude that political and theological authoritarianism is how his followers should represent him in the world." - Rev. Benjamin Cremer
This form of imperialism is problematic at the individual and group level.
Pride.
Dominance.
Resistance to change.
Desire for control.
All things I can relate to. This passage from Robert Kegan in his book, In Over Our Heads, relates. He describes the dynamics of a particular married couple and the distinction between tension and coercion.
Difficult though it may be, they ultimately value the experience of being forced by the other, or by their commitment to the relationship, to take seriously the integrity of the different world view from which the differing preference, opinion, or plan of action arises.
Like respectful and enlightened anthropologists, they regularly visit, and deeply appreciate, the other's "culture of mind." At their best, they suspend the tendency to evaluate the other's "culture" through the lens of their own, and seek rather to discover the terms by which the other is shaping meaning or creating value. Not only does each seem to benefit from frequent "travel" to ths other's "culture," but the one who is "being visited" also seems to appreciate the experience of having the other come in with a nonimperial stance to see how reality is being constructed.
Curiosity and exploration are the opposite of the conform-or-die approach we see with Russia's invasion of Ukraine.
Hannah Arendt, in her book, the Origins of Totalitarianism, maps out the progression towards totalitarianism starting with hate and moving into imperialism.
But we have another option.
Instead of Hate and War, We Could Love & Serve
"You cannot beat the hate out of a person, but you can love it out of them. I am living proof that friendship, love, and patience can transform the hearts of those you once thought were beyond reach." - Daryl Davis
He goes to KKK rallies to reach the lost. That is courage. It is inspiring.
We too could choose to love our rivals and enemies that way. If we care, we can explore our incompleteness and discover what we're missing.
Why are we in fundamentally different places than this other person?
This is the opportunity to mature into better people, friends, and leaders. This maturity will equip us to more effectively love others.
We can seek to understand the other, to listen and make sense of their situation, and then to influence and respond. The way to make a difference in the culture is to provide a better solution; a stronger set of ideas.
Here's another passage from Robert Kegan, describing the way we can approach things to foster a more fruitful context in which to engage with others.
"In contrast, the social psychologists, like the Ables, who try to avoid simply finding ways to get the other to mold to their preference, seek ways to change the actual thinking and feeling of each party. It should also be noted that, like the Ables, the social psychologists assume the wholeness and distinctness of the conflicting parties.
That is, the kind of learning they promote is about the willingness and ability of each party to understand and respect the position of the other.
Although in their writings they often refer to their goal of “transforming” the relationship, what they are actually transforming are the attitudes each party has about the other’s capacity to respect their position, not the positions themselves.
The changes in thinking and feeling they effect involve improved understanding of the other’s and one’s own position, altered attitudes about the other’s capacity and willingness to understand one’s own position, and new thinking about the possibility of developing solutions that preserve the most precious features of each other’s positions.
In situations of protracted conflict, especially in the international arena, such changes could be of historic and life-saving proportion."
"A true sign of intelligence is understanding that other people may have opinions that differ from yours, but you don’t have to attack or berate them over it."
Choosing Love Instead Will Probably Require Transformation. It Has For Me.
"...in a nation buffeted by memories of the Great War. Hindsight at the time suggested that the catastrophe of World War I might have been avoided if statesmen had shown more empathy for their adversaries, more willingness to take risks for peace, and, above all, more military restraint as the summer crisis of 1914 worsened." - Richard K. Betts, Realism Is an Attitude, Not a Doctrine
As I've traveled this political road, actively sharing what I've learned, it's created tension between myself and others. And that is a tension I've leaned into, as a force, that helps me transform. The person I am now is quite different than the person who started down this path over a year ago.
Ultimately, as uncomfortable and difficult as it can be, it's a tension I want to continue leaning into.
This desire to transform is driven by my Christian faith. The tension that Jesus experienced and embraced during his passion journey was so intense, that he literally sweated blood, in the garden of Gethsemane.
From the garden to the cross, the deception, brutality, and execution asserted upon Jesus were a factor. But what mattered more was the horror inflicted across history on humanity by humanity. God wanted to liberate us all, and so he leaned into the tension.
And, this tension is one you and I can both lean into as a way to not just transform, but to be an agent of transformation for others.
With God's grace, we can leave a mark that makes a positive difference. I'll leave you with a quote from my pastor on the effect we Christians can leave behind.
"A world where people skeptical of what we [Christians] believe are envious of how well we treat each other and amazed at how well we treat them." - Andy Stanley
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